In the interest of full disclosure you need to know three things: I’m fat, I’m a lesbian and I love sex. Woah, too much? Too soon? Sorry about that – but for the purposes of this post I think it’s better to get these things cleared up sooner rather than later. Besides, taboos? The world is crammed full of them, and in this day and age if you don’t perceive yourself to be some kind of social anomaly then people tend to think that you’re boring… or that you’re hiding something. Well there are no secrets here, it’s easy to be candid with people that you don’t know – that said, being this brazen with people that you do know can be a completely different story.
I’ve long been a purveyor of fat-positivity, fatshion and fat-sex. Fat sex? In spite of what society has taught us, fat people do have sex. Fat straight couples have sex, fat gay men have sex, fat lesbians have sex (I can personally vouch for that one), fat people on any level of the LGBTQI spectrum have sex. Now that I have body positivity raging through my veins I can speak frankly about my fat, lesbian sexual experiences, but it hasn’t always been like water off a dykes back.
I was always the covers-up-to-my-chin, not-taking-my-top-off, complete-darkness kind of lover, traits that I’ve no doubt any plus-sizer will recognise. What’s more, being insatiably attracted to women comes with its own set of hurdles to overcome. When you’re a young woman who has low self-esteem, the last thing you want to do is be in close proximity to another young woman who you think is gorgeous. But imagine the turmoil that you face when you really (really) want to see this woman in her birthday suit, but at the same time the last thing that you want to do is see her in all her glory. Given the negative stigma surrounding fat women and sex, we are told to compare ourselves to every other woman that we come across, and this doesn’t stop in the street. Pre-body positivity, I’d always try my hardest to disguise my body – buying saucy underwear that was not to be removed under any circumstances used to be my go-to for bedroom comfort. I lived under the illusion that if my fat body was covered by something, my fatness would be disguised; but hindsight is a wonderful thing and I’ve since learnt that fatness cannot be hidden and, indeed, it shouldn’t be. Upon having this epiphany some time ago, I’ve learnt that body type is not a prerequisite to sexiness, but the way that you feel about your body is.
Women are conditioned by society to have low self-esteem, we are told that you can only be sexy if you fulfill a man’s idea of what sexiness is. Ha! Speaking from experience, since I’ve banished my body positive blues and embraced my body instead, I find that I feel more attractive than I ever have before. Learning to accept my fatness has given me the ability to move freely in the bedroom: I no longer grasp the covers to my chin, I no longer kill the moment by trying to hide my wobbly bits, I no longer keep the lights off all the time, I no longer flinch when someone touches my tummy or thick thighs. I have learnt, as a fat lesbian, that I do not need to compare myself to my lover, I just need to enjoy myself. I have found liberation from the mental chains that kept me believing that fat women couldn’t enjoy sex – we are just as worthy of having a satisfying sex life as the next person. And if someone can’t grant you the respect of that, then you need to take matters into your own hands… if you get my drift.