You probably don’t even remember me, or if you do, you probably don’t recall the throwaway comments that you tossed my way or the fun that you poked at me – but I do. It’s hard to forget something that you feared every day and without even realising it you’ve had an inconceivable impact on my life. I was afraid of your comments, I was afraid that you would find new ways to taunt me and every day I’d become weaker and weaker as a result of your poisonous tongues.
You were friends, crushes, occasionally family, and sometimes strangers; if I’m honest, I don’t know what was harder to deal with, the comments from those of you who were supposed to love and care about me, or the comments from those of you who had no idea who I was. Either way, I didn’t deserve them.
Who deserves to be told that their body is gross? That it’s undesirable and offensive? That it makes someone feel sick? Who deserves to feel that they’re worthless? That they don’t deserve to be loved? For so many years you, my bullies, made me feel this way – and for so long I believed you. If I could’ve made you live a day in my shoes, I’d have done it in a split second: I would’ve wanted you to see how I felt about my body, and how I didn’t need your judgements to make me feel worse about it. I would’ve wanted you to know what it felt like to fear making eye contact with people, just in cause you saw pity there, or worse, hate. Living in this body as a young woman felt like a cage – but I did not put myself in that cage, I was mentally shackled to those bars by you.
But not anymore.
Finding body love has liberated me from those mental chains. It took me a long time to realise that I could only feel inferior, if I let you make me feel that way. And who were you, anyway, to make me feel like a lesser person, just because of the shape of my body? So this is me, after god knows how many years, standing up for myself like the fierce woman I am and declaring that I own my body, not you. That I decide how I feel about my body, not you. That I choose to love my body, and I couldn’t give a damn if you don’t. I refuse to be bullied ever again, I refuse to be put down or told that I’m not good enough. I refuse to be told that I’m unloveable, because I know, no matter what, that I will always, without question, love myself.
Your never again victim x